What I want you to know when I die

With so many fatal accidents happening on the small island of Singapore, it got me thinking. Well, perhaps the 'death note' from Kathy Ong got me penning what I want my friends and family to know if there was a day they have to wake up in a world without me. 

I have lived my life as far as possible with no regrets. Remember that I fought for all the things I want in life and I did it with so much effort that it was too much for my own good. 

It does not mean that I haven't done anything worth regretting nor do I imply that I did everything right. What I have learnt in this life is that: I could do everything right and still be wrong. Because life itself is not constant, humans themselves are being with their own autonomy. 

A long time ago, I wrote a note too; if I ever choose to leave life behind. It was pinned behind a paper doodled with what I yearn most. That note stayed there for the longest time until it was taken down together with the corkboard it was attached to when I moved to the UK. Nobody knew it was there, it was my little secret. If my memory didn't fail me, I'd recall that its content was full of resentment of this world. I hated the life I was in, I hated how I was treated and how nobody could understand me. I wrote goodbyes with the only intention of hurting whoever was reading it and hoping that they would see how they have forced me to take that path. 

Life's only a circle. Today, I found myself in the same state as I was 10 years ago. Afterall, those causes never left. But... BUT. I'm different in the way I view the situation. Perhaps it's my age, perhaps it's from my experiences, I no longer see that dying is the only way out. 

Before I move on, I'll just like to say that no, I wasnt weak to want to take my own life because I couldnt face what life throws at me. People who commit suicide are the bravest people youll ever meet. How daunting it is to take your own life? Unless you were in that moment where you have tried, you'll never know the extent of that fear. Therefore, what made me change my stance on my life choices is beyond growing up and becoming stronger. (I am not here to state my views on suicide, perhaps in another post)

I appreciate life now. Being overseas has made me see the world in such different lights. I have met so many individuals who carry so many learning points in their own experiences, I have no doubt met people whom I swore never to become. It made me realise that time is fleeting, there's only so little of it and so much to see, to do and of course, to taste. How wasteful it is to throw it all away because of something that matters only for moments. Why dwell on things that can't be changed or people you can't control? On that revelation, I decided to live my life each day as if it was the last. 

A few months ago, I had a health scare. The worst possibility of cancer or some incurable illness was on the table of discussions (I exaggerated my symptoms and self-diagnosed because that's what I do best LOL). As I lay in bed thinking about what I would do first if its confirmed, nothing. I wouldn't pack my bag to go on an adventure because I have already done so multiple times. I wouldn't start confession and show my appreciation all around because I constantly do so in my own little ways. There's nothing I would want to change or do or anything. 

I dared to dance within the flames.

I fought for relationships and the people I care about, I fought for my own dream which is en route to being my career. I have done the best for myself in the life I've been given. 

So if I am ever gone, forced to go because of nature, then remember that I am surrounded by people I love and who cares for me. Also, remember that I appreciate all the trouble you've gone through for me and the things you have taught me even if you don't realise it. I hope I've not let you down. If I have, please forgive me and learn from my mistakes. Life's too short to wait around, be brave to try anything and everything you ever desire (except if you're hurting people or murder).

Thank you for everything.