Missing you, missing him and what we could be.

I feel so silly.

They say that there's no age in feeling the way I do or to experience this. I honestly never thought I'd still feel this kind of heartbreak at this age. I am not a teenager anymore, yet I allow myself to be in this situation over and over again. Really should have left when I knew, LYN STOP STUPIDLY TAKING CHANCES AND HOPING. Find the damn courage to be the one who's walking away.

I kept jumping back and forth the grieving stages - mostly depress and the delusions. "what if I didn't throw my tantrum? What if I was more patient?" But heck, it was bound to happen anyway. I knew I didn't go overboard, he just couldn't handle it. No wait, he chose not to handle it.  

It really hurts though, that someone would choose that way after so long. After putting me through everything. I guess humans nowadays are just irresponsible right? Well, I chose to cross oceans. You didn't asked me to. I am just sorry that I couldn't be the one to walk through his stuff with him and he felt like he couldn't do it with me. 

I guess it hurts the most when I explicitly said 'I really have no idea how to bounce back if this all went south'. I really don't. If someone like him can treat me so nicely, and check all the boxes, be like this... what is there to hope for? What is there to risk? I can't. 

Perhaps, what I am not ready for is losing his entire existence in my life. Years later, that 4 months will seem minute, that person may be a blur. But not right now, I don't think I am ready to let my memories of him go or even my feelings. How could someone who meant so damn much to me just slip away so easily?

It is really silly for me to hold on to a person who doesn't even treat and respect me as a proper human. What is wrong with me?

Well, I guess the consolation is that I learnt. To grow up, and eliminate those who are not aligned with my goals and lifestyle.

As a gesture, I even took out my tongue piercing. 7 years, it's really time to grow up. 

Sure, he wasn't the right one at this moment, I could change to be but by then he'd be someone else and so would I. What's meant to be will be, take comfort in yourself and those around you. Work on things you don't like and be better. I believe in you and only you. Only you can make life better. 

The Pain of Age.

We wake up one day noticing the ache on our backs that weren't there last week. We squint at the bright lights that we never had to when we opened our eyes in the morning. We developed allergies to the food and seasons we used to love.

Physical. How fast things start to go when the big 2 appear, erasing our teenage years. How fleeting time becomes when there's too much going on as we age.

We perceive pain even more deeply when we have lost. Forever no longer feels dreamlike but a sad reality of losing someone, some things, some moments. Overwhelmed even when we are doing nothing but everything.

I cannot explain or even begin to comprehend everything that's going on. Walking through the crowd as they all become a blur. I try so hard to string my thoughts into words, into sentences but I realised that I can't. How long have I lived in my head to become like this?

The thing about growing old is not only change. But the consequences that come with it. I told a friend just last night, "When we were younger, we have no idea who we are or what we want. But as we grow older, we know what we want and we fight for the things we want. That is why when we lose it, it gets so much harder to get over."

That is also the thing about our society. We are constantly taught that with hard work comes reward, but that's not true. Sometimes even if you really work really hard, even if you did everything right, things still would not go the way you hoped for.

Right now, I dont ask for myself to work hard only. But also to be stronger, to be able to accept the outcome, to be able to move past from pain and suffering. To continue to find happiness in the little things.

As time descends on our faces, our bodies, may we continue to stay strong and young. May we continue to stay innocent and hopeful. May we be forever a child.

New Beginnings or The End?

I will try to be as lighthearted as I can be in this post. I will not let what happened affect me. Humans can be selfish, Humans are allowed to be selfish. Friends are not friends. Enemies are not enemies.

Funny isn't it, how one can be so sensitive and acute to another's feelings, thoughts and intentions. Well, girl you need to stop whatever you're doing just because you are lonely. Feelings don't lie and can't be forced. Stop kidding yourself by grasping on to something when you've changed. Admit it, admit that you no longer feel the same. 

Too much sadness to convey, too much pain to bear. Now that this is unprivate, I do not want to spread negativity, I want to be happy. To be positive, to be brave enough to continue fighting. It's hard, you have no idea. It's exhausting, you have no idea. 

But, that's alright. I'll be fine. Like I always do. I'll make it, even if I have to compromise, even if that's not my goal. I'll make it because that's the only way to survive. 

I'll wear a smile on my face, I'll think about the things that make me happy. Negativity is only a habit, everyone is capable of being happy. I can do it, I sure as hell can. Watch me.

So I had my last paper of university life. Was really happy and was so confident that I'll do well but no... I fucked up. I answered without addressing the issues, I answered without answering the question. I was too complacent. For the past few days, I woke up thinking about the mistakes I have done for my papers. They kept swirling in my head and I can't stop it. How do you control your dreams?

I can't unwind time. Drop it. I've done the best I can. I coped well this year. I am really proud of myself really. I made it.

2 years ago, after I receive my first uni results, I almost quit. I asked myself, what was the point of fighting so hard when its just for nothing. There was so much at stake. Too much... I was really that close to withdrawing from uni. So close. I can't say that I'm glad I did, but I'm happy to have made it through all the tough times I faced that year. I sunk into depression as I went through the first year. When I arrived, I guess I was just slammed into the wall before plunging into the deep waters. I swam and I struggled, I kicked and bashed those that were close to me. As I fought in the way I know how, I got deeper and deeper into darkness. But I didnt know that, I didnt see it.

I tried to do the right thing yknow, when I knew. I told myself I cannot do that to myself, I cannot drag the person down. What if I never change? And so I did let go. But I guess, even if I was ready to hold it back again, it's just not right. It has been so long. What happened are only stories now, Im not bothered about the facts anymore.  But the remnants of the incidents act as a constant trigger, swallowing me, reminding me of the harsh reality and the world.

You lose some, you gain some. My future now is so bleak and it is out of my control. For someone who has been so sure about everything in her life, for someone who has chased the same dream for so long, it pains me to ask.... What should I do now? 

What I want you to know when I die

With so many fatal accidents happening on the small island of Singapore, it got me thinking. Well, perhaps the 'death note' from Kathy Ong got me penning what I want my friends and family to know if there was a day they have to wake up in a world without me. 

I have lived my life as far as possible with no regrets. Remember that I fought for all the things I want in life and I did it with so much effort that it was too much for my own good. 

It does not mean that I haven't done anything worth regretting nor do I imply that I did everything right. What I have learnt in this life is that: I could do everything right and still be wrong. Because life itself is not constant, humans themselves are being with their own autonomy. 

A long time ago, I wrote a note too; if I ever choose to leave life behind. It was pinned behind a paper doodled with what I yearn most. That note stayed there for the longest time until it was taken down together with the corkboard it was attached to when I moved to the UK. Nobody knew it was there, it was my little secret. If my memory didn't fail me, I'd recall that its content was full of resentment of this world. I hated the life I was in, I hated how I was treated and how nobody could understand me. I wrote goodbyes with the only intention of hurting whoever was reading it and hoping that they would see how they have forced me to take that path. 

Life's only a circle. Today, I found myself in the same state as I was 10 years ago. Afterall, those causes never left. But... BUT. I'm different in the way I view the situation. Perhaps it's my age, perhaps it's from my experiences, I no longer see that dying is the only way out. 

Before I move on, I'll just like to say that no, I wasnt weak to want to take my own life because I couldnt face what life throws at me. People who commit suicide are the bravest people youll ever meet. How daunting it is to take your own life? Unless you were in that moment where you have tried, you'll never know the extent of that fear. Therefore, what made me change my stance on my life choices is beyond growing up and becoming stronger. (I am not here to state my views on suicide, perhaps in another post)

I appreciate life now. Being overseas has made me see the world in such different lights. I have met so many individuals who carry so many learning points in their own experiences, I have no doubt met people whom I swore never to become. It made me realise that time is fleeting, there's only so little of it and so much to see, to do and of course, to taste. How wasteful it is to throw it all away because of something that matters only for moments. Why dwell on things that can't be changed or people you can't control? On that revelation, I decided to live my life each day as if it was the last. 

A few months ago, I had a health scare. The worst possibility of cancer or some incurable illness was on the table of discussions (I exaggerated my symptoms and self-diagnosed because that's what I do best LOL). As I lay in bed thinking about what I would do first if its confirmed, nothing. I wouldn't pack my bag to go on an adventure because I have already done so multiple times. I wouldn't start confession and show my appreciation all around because I constantly do so in my own little ways. There's nothing I would want to change or do or anything. 

I dared to dance within the flames.

I fought for relationships and the people I care about, I fought for my own dream which is en route to being my career. I have done the best for myself in the life I've been given. 

So if I am ever gone, forced to go because of nature, then remember that I am surrounded by people I love and who cares for me. Also, remember that I appreciate all the trouble you've gone through for me and the things you have taught me even if you don't realise it. I hope I've not let you down. If I have, please forgive me and learn from my mistakes. Life's too short to wait around, be brave to try anything and everything you ever desire (except if you're hurting people or murder).

Thank you for everything.

Bit by bit.

For a really long time, I thought I never moved from where I was. But right now, I see it. 

For every struggle that I went through, I chose to see my weak side. I count the number of failures. If only I counted the number of times I was strong, that I gave myself the strength to get out of bed every day, no matter how I felt inside. 

1 year... it was a really torturous 12 months. Every moment, I find myself saying 'it'll be better next month' then slowly it became 'it'll be better when I'm back home'. Did it?

I'm not too sure. I stayed with my dad during the summer, wasnt back at my mum's much. But I remember the scent of the house, and then the ache will follow. It's just that sometimes when I don't take notice, it hits me. But I guess I'm better now.

I found myself bit by bit. I found the me when I was 19, before whatever happened. 19 in personality, but 22 in maturity. I am happy, I found myself being really satisfied with my current life. As I was telling my friends, I'm not too sure if I've gotten used to being alone, or I am truly enjoying being alone. 

It doesn't matter. My duty now is to be a student. 

Wiser and tougher, smarter and much more shrewd. I won't deny it. 

My takeaway from this is, we never know that we hit rock bottom because we don't look at what's below us. We just know that we are sinking, and the only way is up. Only when we stop struggling, we look back at how far we have come. That's what strong people do. We swim.

Being weak is not wrong, sometimes we sit at the bottom, sometimes someone we don't expect will pull us up. Maybe not all the way, maybe just a little bit, but sometimes that's all it takes to start the drive. Or maybe sometimes the current will push us to where the light is. 

I will always remember to live in the present. To feel the wind weaving through my hair, to hear the engines of cars and to taste all the food I love. 

I am free. 

A story that has been etched in my mind

Years ago, while I was taking criminal law,  I had the opportunity to learn from an ex DPP. He narrated to us how there was one instance where he receives multiple phone calls from the representing lawyer of a convict on death penalty.

I can't remember much details about what he was convicted for, only knowing that he lost his trials and no appeal was granted. He was doomed to be hung.

As a tradition, the capital punishment is carried out only on the dawn of a Friday. 

He said, the phone rang persistently throughout the night, where the lawyer tried to submit applications at the last hour to stop the execution. It happened again and again with no regular intervals. As any person would, my tutor got annoyed. He just wanted a good night sleep, only to be interrupted. 

As he lay back down on his bed, he realised it was nearing dawn, on a Friday. That person is just trying to save a life, that convict just wanted to live. 

How often did we get lazy, get annoyed with certain things, only to realised that what is little to us meant so much to another? 

As a retail assistant, sometimes we get lazy to check for stocks, who knows that that one gift, one stock that could be sold to a customer who asks can grant someone's happiness.

As a professional in a legal clinic, every case we clear could speed up the process and change someone's life. Imagine if we would have said, "I will do it tomorrow instead", it could mean that a person will spend another day wronged.

As a police, for every case we say "I will do it later", a child could be still in the hands of a monster. 

Be kind to each other, see the bigger picture.

Moon Hi.

I said hello.
Nice to meet you
Again
I said sorry
to have ran away
Did you see
the tears
or hear the cries
Did you shine
on them while
I hid from you.
I said hello
Hello again
I am fine
I am good
I found me
I found you
Again
hello,
hello again
goodbye,
goodbye, pain