Missing you, missing him and what we could be.

I feel so silly.

They say that there's no age in feeling the way I do or to experience this. I honestly never thought I'd still feel this kind of heartbreak at this age. I am not a teenager anymore, yet I allow myself to be in this situation over and over again. Really should have left when I knew, LYN STOP STUPIDLY TAKING CHANCES AND HOPING. Find the damn courage to be the one who's walking away.

I kept jumping back and forth the grieving stages - mostly depress and the delusions. "what if I didn't throw my tantrum? What if I was more patient?" But heck, it was bound to happen anyway. I knew I didn't go overboard, he just couldn't handle it. No wait, he chose not to handle it.  

It really hurts though, that someone would choose that way after so long. After putting me through everything. I guess humans nowadays are just irresponsible right? Well, I chose to cross oceans. You didn't asked me to. I am just sorry that I couldn't be the one to walk through his stuff with him and he felt like he couldn't do it with me. 

I guess it hurts the most when I explicitly said 'I really have no idea how to bounce back if this all went south'. I really don't. If someone like him can treat me so nicely, and check all the boxes, be like this... what is there to hope for? What is there to risk? I can't. 

Perhaps, what I am not ready for is losing his entire existence in my life. Years later, that 4 months will seem minute, that person may be a blur. But not right now, I don't think I am ready to let my memories of him go or even my feelings. How could someone who meant so damn much to me just slip away so easily?

It is really silly for me to hold on to a person who doesn't even treat and respect me as a proper human. What is wrong with me?

Well, I guess the consolation is that I learnt. To grow up, and eliminate those who are not aligned with my goals and lifestyle.

As a gesture, I even took out my tongue piercing. 7 years, it's really time to grow up. 

Sure, he wasn't the right one at this moment, I could change to be but by then he'd be someone else and so would I. What's meant to be will be, take comfort in yourself and those around you. Work on things you don't like and be better. I believe in you and only you. Only you can make life better.